What is a relationship?
Before we get too much further into what listening is, let’s look at what a relationship is.Everyone is in a relationship of some kind, whether it’s with the local doctor, your children, your boss, the next door neighbour or your partner or spouse. No matter what the nature of the interaction, it’s still a relationship.
When we talk about a relationship in this book, we are generally talking about the kind of relationship you have with a loved one, your wife/husband/partner or significant other. The things you will discover about listening apply to any relationship, but to make it easy, we are referring to your primary intimate relationship.
Now let’s unpack that intimate relationship a bit more.
What makes up a relationship? Sure, we all know that two people make a relationship, but what is it that actually makes the relationship? Is it just two people living together? Is it marriage that makes a relationship? Is it the commitment? Is it children? Isn’t that an interesting and challenging set of questions…’what actually makes the relationship’?
For clarity, and ease of understanding, we are going to define a relationship as a triangle: You, Me, The Relationship. If we were to see it visually, you and your partner would be at the bottom, and the relationship would be at the top. Why? Well, for us, a relationship is more than just two people in an intimate dynamic. For us, a relationship is made up of three parts, and each part must work on itself and the other parts for the relationship to work effectively.
Imagine this: you go to counselling to work on developing your own self awareness, and your partner doesn’t. If you don’t know how to work on more than yourself, your relationship will, over time, wither from lack of support and care. If you are the only one listening in a relationship, doesn’t it become one-sided, and if it does become one-sided how can the other parts survive and grow?

The answer is, they can’t. It takes the both of you in that intimate dynamic we call a relationship to actually make the relationship work. Without both of you working at keeping the relationship alive and flourishing, nurtured and growing, nothing will keep your relationship alive over time.
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