Wednesday 3 December 2014

Can our relationship survive an affair?

Yes, it's not guaranteed, but it is possible.

The fallout from an affair can be intense and long term. It doesn't just go away, and it will continue to fester until all parts are resolved. Lots of people say 'but it was just flirting', or 'it didn't mean anything' or 'it just happened'.

The language used by the unfaithful partner to minimise and shut down the hurt partner can seriously undermine a relationship.

Communication suffers, people withdraw emotionally, and the toxicity gets stuffed deep down into unspoken resentment.

Everything can appear to be ok, you might even be ok, and then something will happen which will trigger an emotional response and you'll be left reeling and wondering what is happening to you. 

Do you find yourself:

  • Seething at your partners lack of insight into your pain?

  • Wishing your partner would 'build a bridge and get over it'?

  • Wishing your partner would find a way to move on, because haven't you apologised enough now? Can't we move on? Do we have to talk about this AGAIN?

  • Ruminating and obsessing about everything your partner says and does? 

  • Clock watching whenever they are late home?

  • Keeping an internal score on your partners honesty and consistency when they tell you things?

  • Checking your partners phones, emails and online history, as well as worrying about who they are facebooking with?

  • Fretting about the time your partner spends away from you on activities they do, such as exercise, cycling, hobbies, work, etc?

  • Listening in on your partners conversations with others in the hope of finding out something?

  • Spending enormous energy on trying to figure out if your partner has had an affair or not?

  • Becoming hypervigilant to changes in behaviour?

  • Lacking interest in any kind of sexual or physical intimacy and find yourself pulling away from anything that requires you to connect to your unfaithful partner?​

  • Not talking about things because they are in so much pain and you don't want to make it worse for them?

  • Telling yourself that you should be able to just move on and let it go?

  • Always bringing things up, and it always ends up in fights.

  • stuck in that place betwen biding your time and hoping things will get better.

  • Feeling confused because you are getting mixed messages all the time?

  • Thinking you deserve everything because of past life choices you may have made?

  • Shutting down so neither of you rocks the boat?

  • ​Feeling manipulated by your unfaithful partner because they say they have stopped, but continue the same actions and conduct as if they are still engaged in inappropriate behaviour? Is it becoming about you not trusting them, leaving you feeling as if you  should be able to get over it and trust him/her, no matter what is in front of you?

  • Getting along ok, but becoming more and more intolerant of each other, with little things taking on what can feel like irrational and overwhelming importance?

  • ​feeling as if you just have to shut up and hang in there until you are strong enough to leave?

  • Worrying that you'll never be able to rebuild trust and you'll always be blamed and held to account?

  • Feeling as if your actions will never be forgiven, and why bother if it's never going to get any better?

  • Wondering if this is as good as it's ever going to get...and should you just end it and move on?

 
If any of this sounds like you, or your relationship, then there is assistance.

 
When emotions don't get processed from intense trauma, it becomes ongoing emotional responses and reactions that can become overwhelming and end up driving our everyday actions and interactions.

You, the hurt partner, think about THE AFFAIR all the time! You obsess about it, you question, you get suspicious, and you wonder about the little inconsistencies, the times your partner was late home, those phone calls, text messages and on it goes.

It can seem as if you are going crazy if you are the hurt partner, but you aren't; you are just in a heightened state of tension, pain, vigilance and unresolved conflict, which is a perfectly normal state to be in when everything is taken into account.

How do you deal with it? You talk, talk and talk some more. You find a way to communicate what is happening for you to your partner, each of you, and this is how I can help you.

Heart Healing is a about helping you communicate with each other in a new and respectful way.

It's about learning what you need to do in order to help your hurt partner heal.

It's about the hurt partner speaking their truth and finding validation in the speaking.

It's about the unfaithful partner acknowledging the hurt they have caused and listening, really listening, and being present to their partners pain and anger...yes, especially the anger.

It's about supporting you through this time of talking, reconnecting and negotiating a new relationship out of the old one.

And, importantly, it's about honouring each of you in a non-judgmental way, giving you the tools and support necessary to work on building a new life together, while integrating the pain of the affair into an appropriate state within each of you, allowing it to become part of the relationship, without overwhelming it.


A relationship doesn't have to end because of an affair, it can grow stronger and deeper if we learn how to open up and be honest.

Even if your relationship has ended, you can still recover your life and move on. We think we deal with things because we 'don't go there' or 'that's in the past'.  The truth is, no matter how long ago the affair was, the impact of it continues to reverberate, like the ripples on a pond after a stone has been thrown in it.

Whether you were the unfaithful, or the hurt partner, you can recover from the hurt, pain, anger and grief that ensued and still lingers. 

I know this, because it's our journey too...we get you, we hear you and we understand you.

If you'd like to experience someone 'getting you', we invite you to send us a message or give either of us a call - we know how tough it is to have a safe place in which to talk and be heard. 


My own journey of recovery

A bit of my story...

When I first found out about my husbands affair I did everything to prove it hadn't happened. We were going on our honeymoon in 8 days and this couldn't possibly have been real.

I spent those 8 days frantically searching for the "truth" and hating the woman who had brought this into my life. I was confronted with text messages, phone bills and a whole lot of other stuff that made it impossible to disprove, yet what did I do? I shunted it out of the way and carried on my life as if nothing had happened.

I now know that I knew the real truth and what I was experiencing was cognitive dissonance; that state where the reality intrudes on the internal story and the internal conflict becomes too great to bear so we hide from the truth and deny it.

As I denied the truth I dissociated from it and denied it any space within my heart or head, but that only worked for so long.

It would be two years before I found the courage within me to confront my husband with the truth; two years of intense pain, shame, humiliation, anxiety and complex PTSD symptoms as I bore the brunt of his own toxic shame as he blamed me for the behaviours I was exhibiting: suspicion, jealousy, possessiveness and so on.

It wasn't until we experienced an event so damaging to my psyche that I physically ran away in fear that we were able to begin moving forward.

Coming back from that brink of raw fear and pain was the most excruciating thing I have ever done in my life. I had to finally confront my own demons and recognise that my flight or fight response was always locked into flight mode and if I didn't take a stand for myself, then I'd always stay in flight mode whenever I experienced emotional pain.

This was a breakthrough and was the moment I started to understand how to come back from the brink and reclaim me.

I continue to do that and it's an ongoing process.



We hear you and don't judge.

My partner had an affair and I don't know what to do

Most people don't know what to do after finding out about an affair.

Sadly, most people are lost and vulnerable when confronted with their partners affair or affairs. 

As the hurt partner, you may want to lash out, hurt and be vocal in your pain, telling everyone about it, making your partner into a villain.

Anger, rage, hurt, betrayal, humiliation, shame, grief and loss are all normal reactions to finding out about your partners affair, but there are some things to be careful of in the first few days after finding out.

These suggestions are not in any order:

1. Be careful who you tell. You are rightly angry and feeling overwhelmed with the level of pain coursing through your heart, but beware the lure to tell everyone. If, later on, you decide that you don't want to leave, you then face dealing with people who were witness to your pain and suffering and now may be left wondering what you are doing by staying. Not everyone will understand or support you in this, and that's why we suggest you be careful and prudent in how you share this info. Friends and family may never accept your partner/spouse if they find out about the betrayal in the early days. It can make reconciling and recovering so much harder.

2. Recognise that it's ok to be totally wrecked emotionally, and allow yourself to feel everything. Don't shut down, don't try to carry on as if everything is normal, because it's not. 

3. Keep talking with each other, find a counsellor who understands about affairs and get some help to work through what had happened.

4. Your partner needs to allow you to be upset, angry, bitter and hurt whenever you need to express your feelings. 

5. MOST IMPORTANT: you did nothing to cause the affair, nothing at all. Keep hold of that concept because you'll need it. Many people, including therapists, think that affairs happen because there is something bad in your relationship; not true at all. Sometimes a relationship is going pear-shaped, but the person who has the affair is the one who carries the burden of blame, never the hurt partner.

If you want to find out more about how to work your way through the recovery process, give us a call. It's not easy, and we know just how difficult it can be to navigate this rocky path.




Has my therapist been a client?

Does your therapist have personal experience of the modality they wish to use with you?


This is an important question, and one that clients should be asking. 

First hand experience of any modality assists practitioners in understanding the clients perspective, and should be an intrinsic part of any therapists work. After all, therapists have issues too, and we all benefit from being part of the healing journey.

Therapists, no matter their modality, are, in the main, here to support you, the client, on your own healing journey of recovery.

Experiencing the techniques they use gives therapists important information on how it could impact a client, both positively and negatively. This information informs the therapist, and ultimately gives you, the client, the best outcome.

A counsellor who has never had counselling, or a practitioner who has never had therapy, is a red flag to me.

I have known practitioners who have never had therapy themselves, and it always bothers me.

It should bother you, too, as the client.

Always ask your therapist, counsellor or practitioner if they have had personal experience of the modality they wish to use with you.