Most people don't know what to do after finding out about an affair.
Sadly, most people are lost and vulnerable when confronted with their partners affair or affairs.
As the hurt partner, you may want to lash out, hurt and be vocal in your pain, telling everyone about it, making your partner into a villain.
Anger, rage, hurt, betrayal, humiliation, shame, grief and loss are all normal reactions to finding out about your partners affair, but there are some things to be careful of in the first few days after finding out.
These suggestions are not in any order:
1. Be careful who you tell. You are rightly angry and feeling overwhelmed with the level of pain coursing through your heart, but beware the lure to tell everyone. If, later on, you decide that you don't want to leave, you then face dealing with people who were witness to your pain and suffering and now may be left wondering what you are doing by staying. Not everyone will understand or support you in this, and that's why we suggest you be careful and prudent in how you share this info. Friends and family may never accept your partner/spouse if they find out about the betrayal in the early days. It can make reconciling and recovering so much harder.
2. Recognise that it's ok to be totally wrecked emotionally, and allow yourself to feel everything. Don't shut down, don't try to carry on as if everything is normal, because it's not.
3. Keep talking with each other, find a counsellor who understands about affairs and get some help to work through what had happened.
4. Your partner needs to allow you to be upset, angry, bitter and hurt whenever you need to express your feelings.
5. MOST IMPORTANT: you did nothing to cause the affair, nothing at all. Keep hold of that concept because you'll need it. Many people, including therapists, think that affairs happen because there is something bad in your relationship; not true at all. Sometimes a relationship is going pear-shaped, but the person who has the affair is the one who carries the burden of blame, never the hurt partner.
If you want to find out more about how to work your way through the recovery process, give us a call. It's not easy, and we know just how difficult it can be to navigate this rocky path.
