My own journey of recovery

A bit of my story...

When I first found out about my husbands affair I did everything to prove it hadn't happened. We were going on our honeymoon in 8 days and this couldn't possibly have been real.

I spent those 8 days frantically searching for the "truth" and hating the woman who had brought this into my life. I was confronted with text messages, phone bills and a whole lot of other stuff that made it impossible to disprove, yet what did I do? I shunted it out of the way and carried on my life as if nothing had happened.

I now know that I knew the real truth and what I was experiencing was cognitive dissonance; that state where the reality intrudes on the internal story and the internal conflict becomes too great to bear so we hide from the truth and deny it.

As I denied the truth I dissociated from it and denied it any space within my heart or head, but that only worked for so long.

It would be two years before I found the courage within me to confront my husband with the truth; two years of intense pain, shame, humiliation, anxiety and complex PTSD symptoms as I bore the brunt of his own toxic shame as he blamed me for the behaviours I was exhibiting: suspicion, jealousy, possessiveness and so on.

It wasn't until we experienced an event so damaging to my psyche that I physically ran away in fear that we were able to begin moving forward.

Coming back from that brink of raw fear and pain was the most excruciating thing I have ever done in my life. I had to finally confront my own demons and recognise that my flight or fight response was always locked into flight mode and if I didn't take a stand for myself, then I'd always stay in flight mode whenever I experienced emotional pain.

This was a breakthrough and was the moment I started to understand how to come back from the brink and reclaim me.

I continue to do that and it's an ongoing process.


We hear you and don't judge.

My partner had an affair and I don't know what to do

Most people don't know what to do after finding out about an affair.

Sadly, most people are lost and vulnerable when confronted with their partners affair or affairs. 

As the hurt partner, you may want to lash out, hurt and be vocal in your pain, telling everyone about it, making your partner into a villain.

Anger, rage, hurt, betrayal, humiliation, shame, grief and loss are all normal reactions to finding out about your partners affair, but there are some things to be careful of in the first few days after finding out.

These suggestions are not in any order:

1. Be careful who you tell. You are rightly angry and feeling overwhelmed with the level of pain coursing through your heart, but beware the lure to tell everyone. If, later on, you decide that you don't want to leave, you then face dealing with people who were witness to your pain and suffering and now may be left wondering what you are doing by staying. Not everyone will understand or support you in this, and that's why we suggest you be careful and prudent in how you share this info. Friends and family may never accept your partner/spouse if they find out about the betrayal in the early days. It can make reconciling and recovering so much harder.

2. Recognise that it's ok to be totally wrecked emotionally, and allow yourself to feel everything. Don't shut down, don't try to carry on as if everything is normal, because it's not. 

3. Keep talking with each other, find a counsellor who understands about affairs and get some help to work through what had happened.

4. Your partner needs to allow you to be upset, angry, bitter and hurt whenever you need to express your feelings. 

5. MOST IMPORTANT: you did nothing to cause the affair, nothing at all. Keep hold of that concept because you'll need it. Many people, including therapists, think that affairs happen because there is something bad in your relationship; not true at all. Sometimes a relationship is going pear-shaped, but the person who has the affair is the one who carries the burden of blame, never the hurt partner.

If you want to find out more about how to work your way through the recovery process, give us a call. It's not easy, and we know just how difficult it can be to navigate this rocky path.

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Has my therapist been a client?

Does your therapist have personal experience of the modality they wish to use with you?

This is an important question, and one that clients should be asking. 

First hand experience of any modality assists practitioners in understanding the clients perspective, and should be an intrinsic part of any therapists work. After all, therapists have issues too, and we all benefit from being part of the healing journey.

Therapists, no matter their modality, are, in the main, here to support you, the client, on your own healing journey of recovery.

Experiencing the techniques they use gives therapists important information on how it could impact a client, both positively and negatively. This information informs the therapist, and ultimately gives you, the client, the best outcome.

A counsellor who has never had counselling, or a practitioner who has never had therapy, is a red flag to me.

I have known practitioners who have never had therapy themselves, and it always bothers me.

It should bother you, too, as the client.

Always ask your therapist, counsellor or practitioner if they have had personal experience of the modality they wish to use with you.

What do you mean by a Resource State?

I really want another piece of cake, but I know I shouldn't

Right there is an example of two resource (or ego) states in conflict. One wants the cake, and the other is reminding us that we don't need it.

A fantastic colleague of mine recently likened resources to a ship; a ship sailing along the ocean of our life. 

At the helm of our ship is the Captain, the resource state out and in control, or in the conscious. Only one state can be in the executive/conscious at any time, but there can be a lot of tension if multiple states are vying for control of the helm! Just imagine if all the passengers of a car tried to steer it!

The ships crew are our surface states, those out and about most, the ones who contribute to our successful navigation through the waters of life. They keep the sails working, trimming and moving each sail to catch the right breeze, they are always on the look out for danger, rough water, shallows, reefs and so on. Just as in real life we keep an eye out for what is going on around us. These are the resources we can easily identify for the main part...our motivation, cooking, cleaning, working, resting, exercising, parenting and the myriad other roles we have that are assisted with the right resource state in the conscious. 

Not all surface states are performing positive functions, they are just the states that have the most experience at being above deck instead of lurking below deck.

Then there are the below deck resource states, the ones that may or may not come up very often. These are the crew who may not be doing their best job, they may be holding onto resentments, pain, anger, grief, trauma, guilt and even wanting to harm the crew topside by staging a mutiny! 

We see these below surface states come up when we have anxiety, PTSD, panic attacks, self-harm and other behaviours we don't like. 

So if we look at our ship again, we can see that only one resource state can be the captain, in control of the ship, and if the captain is from below decks, the ship might not sail the course it needs, in order to safely navigate the life the person wants.

Any resource state can be a captain, depending on how we are travelling emotionally at any given time. 

If we are vulnerable, our below deck resource states can take us over, and we can feel overwhelmed by the emotions and feelings expressed by states we may not even recognise.

For instance, a person may feel as if they are self-sabotaging their efforts to lose weight, always feeling hungry and unfulfilled, unhappy with how they manage their eating, angry that they always have to calorie count, weigh and measure, portion control and so on. Their life feels out of control when they can't manage their food intake in a way that they want to.

In a session, this state that is in the conscious at those times may come up and call itself 'hungry'. 

When the therapist talks to 'hungry' and ascertains why it does what it does with the client, 'hungry' may talk about feeling unsafe, or alone, or frightened. Working directly with the state will enable the therapist to assist 'hungry' to get what it needs to feel normalised and safe, for that is the goal of Resource Therapy; working to normalise each resource state.

If we interpreted 'hungry' as being just about food, we would miss the opportunity to assist 'hungry' to feel safe, loved and cared for in whatever way it needed.

As it turned out, in this instance, 'hungry' was acting out because of childhood abuse issues, and food was a way of numbing emotions and shutting down. 

By helping 'hungry', and any other resource states that are in communication with the therapist during the session, 'hungry' is given the opportunity to express it's feelings, resolve the underlying issues and help it gain relief from the overwhelming feelings it had been carrying since childhood.

'Hungry' moved into normalcy and gained peace.

This is the goal of Resource Therapy; normalcy and peace for each of our resource states.

If you feel like your ship could do with some maintenance, give us a call.

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What is a relationship?

What is a relationship?

Before we get too much further into what listening is, let’s look at what a relationship is.

Everyone is in a relationship of some kind, whether it’s with the local doctor, your children, your boss, the next door neighbour or your partner or spouse. No matter what the nature of the interaction, it’s still a relationship.

When we talk about a relationship in this book, we are generally talking about the kind of relationship you have with a loved one, your wife/husband/partner or significant other. The things you will discover about listening apply to any relationship, but to make it easy, we are referring to your primary intimate relationship.

Now let’s unpack that intimate relationship a bit more.

What makes up a relationship? Sure, we all know that two people make a relationship, but what is it that actually makes the relationship? Is it just two people living together? Is it marriage that makes a relationship? Is it the commitment? Is it children? Isn’t that an interesting and challenging set of questions…’what actually makes the relationship’?

For clarity, and ease of understanding, we are going to define a relationship as a triangle: You, Me, The Relationship. If we were to see it visually, you and your partner would be at the bottom, and the relationship would be at the top. Why? Well, for us, a relationship is more than just two people in an intimate dynamic. For us, a relationship is made up of three parts, and each part must work on itself and the other parts for the relationship to work effectively.

Imagine this: you go to counselling to work on developing your own self awareness, and your partner doesn’t. If you don’t know how to work on more than yourself, your relationship will, over time, wither from lack of support and care. If you are the only one listening in a relationship, doesn’t it become one-sided, and if it does become one-sided how can the other parts survive and grow?

The answer is, they can’t. It takes the both of you in that intimate dynamic we call a relationship to actually make the relationship work. Without both of you working at keeping the relationship alive and flourishing, nurtured and growing, nothing will keep your relationship alive over time.


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Supervision for Practitioners

Supervision - What to look for in a supervisor and why does a practitioner need it?

Supervision is a critical part of any practitioners set up, yet how do we find the right one for you, or me?

You can start by contacting associations that are aligned with the pathway you want to take, for instance, getting a supervisor who does generalist work wouldn't work if you wanted to work in family or couples counselling.

Ask therapists you know in the field in which you work for referrals.

Look online.

Then, interview potential supervisors. Supervision is not counselling, and you will be challenged and stretched professionally, so you want to connect with a person that has a good feel about them - this is gut intuition, but if you feel off, the relationship may falter.

Does your supervisor negotiate a contract of supervision with you? Is it a formal process?

Supervision should be conducted in a formal manner. It's not about being friends with your supervisor.

Does your supervisor motivate, enthuse, support, nurture, guide and instruct you?

Supervision is a process of ongoing insight and self awareness, being challenged and feeling safe in exploring doubts and insecurities.

Does your supervisor make you feel safe?

Supervision is your safe place in which to explore how your work is going, how you manage your practice, your record keeping, professional development and all the fears, doubts and insecurities you might have.

Does your supervisor have professional boundaries?

Your supervisor is not there to be your friend. Their obligation to act as your supervisor has legal ramifications for their own practice.

Supervisors have their own supervisors...it's a chain of support, education and ongoing guidance and professional development.

The right supervisor can be a great benefit to the newly established practitioner...take your time to find the right one for you.

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